I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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