You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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