I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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