im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
