There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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