he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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