Jerry, you need to find god
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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