the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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