Already got asked if we're dating
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
