bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
