Cold hands, warm shart.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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