it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
