come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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