i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
