I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
