Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
