this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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