Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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