i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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