just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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