Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
