Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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