I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
