There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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