WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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