we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
