New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
