Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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