i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
