the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
