Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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