Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
