The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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