I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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