While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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