Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
