Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
3pm strippers are depressing
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
