My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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