im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
