one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
