i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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