we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
