I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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