I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
