I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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