I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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