whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
