hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
