I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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