How'd it feel making her break her religion?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
