Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
