Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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