don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
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He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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