my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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