All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
