I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
