glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
